"OCTOBER IS DOMESTIC VIOLENCE AWARENESS MONTH"

Using coercion and threats: Making and/or carrying out threats to do something to hurt her. Threatening to leave her. To commit suicide. To report her to welfare. Making her drop charges. Making her do illegal things.

Using intimidation: Making her afraid by using looks, actions, gestures. Smashing things. Destroying her property. Abusing pets. Displaying weapons.

Using emotional abuse: Putting her down. Making her feel bad about herself. Calling her names. Making her think she’s crazy. Playing mind games. Humiliating her. Making her feel guilty.

Using isolation: Controlling what she does, who she sees and talks to, what she reads, where she goes. Limiting her outside involvement. Using jealousy to justify actions.

Minimizing, denying, and blaming: Making light of the abuse and not taking her concerns about it seriously. Saying the abuse didn’t happen. Shifting responsibility for abusive behavior. Saying she caused it.

Using children: Making her feel guilty about the children. Using the children to relay messages. Using visitation to harass her. Threatening to take the children away.

Using male privilege: Treating her like a servant. Making all the big decisions. Acting like the "Master of the Castle." Being the one to define men’s and women’s roles.

Using economic abuse: Preventing her from getting or keeping a job. Making her ask for money. Giving her an allowance. Taking her money. Not letting her know about or have access to family income.

(This is the most frequently asked question about victims of domestic violence. The following list provides examples of some of the many reasons why leaving an abusive relationship is so difficult. (Since 95% of domestic violence victims are women, the list is written with the male partner identified as the abuser.)

1. She loves him. 2. She fears him, believing him to be almost omnipotent. Often threats are made against her. 3. Batterers who are arrested are often released in a matter of hours and may take revenge on the victim reporting. 4. She may be economically dependent on him and sees no real alternative. She may feel that the battering is worth putting up with in exchange for economic security. 5. Religious and cultural beliefs and society demand that she maintain the façade of a good marriage. 6.Often he is her only support system psychologically, since he has systematically destroyed her other friendships. Also, other people feel uncomfortable around violence and withdraw from it. 7. She may stay for the sake of the children "needing a father" or he may threaten to take the children away from her if she tries to leave or get help. 8. She learns to feel helpless and powerless. 9 .She may fear that she will not be taken seriously if she attempts to get help. The abuser may be highly respected and mild mannered. Often he is violent only with her and she may therefore conclude that there is something wrong with her. 10. She believes the abuser’s reasoning, such as she deserved the punishment or that he was just too drunk to know what he was doing. 11. She may not realized that services are available, and she may feel trapped. 12. She may be convinced that this battering is the last. 13. She may have lived in a home where partner abuse between her parents was regular and accepts is as inevitable and normal. 14. She may think that she can help the batterer change. (When in reality she can only change herself not her batterer.) 15. She may think that if she would improve and stop making mistakes that the battering would stop. 16. She is concerned about the social stigma—others may not understand why any self-respecting woman would stay in an abusive relationship. Victims are often embarrassed to admit that they have been abused. 17. Relatives get tired of repeatedly helping her out, giving her a place to sta, etc. Also, the abuser may threaten them if they try to provide help. In either case, usually they cease to be resources upon which she can rely. 18. Many times abuse victims do not self-identity. She may realize that she has problems but not identify the battering as being the main concern. 19. Some victims do not know that they have the right to not be beaten, but instead to be treated with respect. 20. She may be afraid that if she reports the crime her partner may lose his job, which is often the family’s only source of income. 21. Most victims do not want to end the relationship...only the beatings.